Why I don't own a bathing suit . . . seriously . . .

My friend Alysun sent this to me and I thought it was so forward-worthy that I figured I would just post it on my blog. I don't know who wrote it, but I have felt EXACTLY the same way!! I seriously don't own a bathing suit - and for the reasons listed below:


Women can really relate.


When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you
manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it
flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra-cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else
she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there, too ... I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!

Hope

Last night, we went to Newberg to visit my Grandparents. My brother, Rob, has been in town (Salem) on a business trip, so he has been staying with us the last couple of nights. We all met up in Newberg (where Mitch also had some appointments), ate at Izzy's and went to visit Hope.

Hope is Grandpa's big pumpkin. He started growing giant pumpkins last year, and this year he bought seeds from a HUGE pumpkin (a famous one!) and started growing Hope. It has been fun to watch her grow!!

Grandpa, Rob, Grant and Cole:

A little perspective:

Grandpa and Cole - just because it is cute!

First totally digital layout!

I am so excited that I finished my first totally digital layout!! All of this stuff was free, too! I started with a blank canvas and did it all from scratch! I downloaded a free paper kit and free brushes. I learned how to fade!! I am figuring out how to scale things down. I printed it out in an 8x8 format. I am so pumped!! If you would like to learn how to do this, too, check out Jessica Sprague's blog (listed on the right). You'll see that I totally scraplifted this!! Oh, and it only took me about 3 hours (plus time to figure out how to scale it down and save it and post it on my blog). Sheesh!! I need to get better at this!!

More Whidbey Island pics

The Colonel's House at Camp Casey. It is a famous, historic home and it was cool to stay here!

The view . . .oh, and us!

The Three Diane's - All three of us share the same middle name.


My dad, Grant and Mitch:

Grandma, Rachel, Andrea, Aunt Gail and Ingrid


Grant played in the dirt, of course.


My little feather duster:


The drive home:

Up until now . . .

Let's see. We left off on our trip to California for the 4th of July. I have more pics that I keep trying to post, but one of them is so big that it makes everything freeze up. And, I'm too lazy to shrink them (although I know I should!). I'll do it eventually!

Anyway, I'll just scroll through my pictures as I write this and catch you up (thus preserving the record for future scrapbook pages . . . ).

July -

Trip to California: Went to Quaker Meadow, celebrated Grant's birthday with cousins, no one puked on the ride up or down the mountain.

Grant and Mitch and Grandpa John slept out on the boat at Detroit Lake. This was, and is, a big deal for Grant. He loved it and Mitch took the most wonderful pictures.


Celebrated Grant's birthday at Grandpa and Grandma Ratzlaff's house. Refer to the pirate pictures posted earlier. Here is one of Cole:


Summerfest! We were in the parade with MOPS. We didn't have to decorate a float and the weather wasn't too hot. Whew! It was fun walking in the parade and then stopping at the end to watch the entries behind us. The next day, Mitch served breakfast in the park and then he and his dad judged the car show. It was fun and HOT!

Grant continued (and completed) swim lessons. He is getting better and better! He can't wait to start up again. Maybe in the fall.

VBS!! Grant got to go to VBS because I was a "ranch hand" or whatever the teachers were called. I taught 2nd grade . . . or maybe it was 3rd. Can't remember. What I do remember is having such a great time sharing the gospel with those kids and then reinforcing it with Grant at home. Grant was so into VBS. (He calls it PBS!) He took a bag of pennies for the offering every day to buy bikes for missionaries. Before VBS, he was saving his money for shark legos. Now, every coin he sees is for VBS. He just loves giving! He probably talks about lessons learned at VBS a couple of times a week. Last week, as we were leaving church, he told me, "I saw sheriff Dave!!" Our youth pastor, who dressed up as a sheriff, is now a celebrity! :o)

My parents and youngest sisters, Hannah and Christina (8 years old), came up for a visit. We went out to Twin Rocks and visited with Tim and Sara. I had some excellent fish and chips at a restaurant near their church. We went berry-picking with Grandpa and Grandma Mardock (my grandparents) and got to see "Hope", their famously huge pumpkin. That night we watched Grandpa sing in the men's choir at Newberg's Old Fashioned Festival Hymn Sing.



August -

After a brief stop-off in Seattle to see Rob and Rachel's very cute house, we journeyed on up to Whidbey Island where we gathered with more family for a little "family reunion" of sorts. I say "of sorts" because only 4 of the 10 Bob Mardock siblings were there. Still, we had a wonderful, relaxing time at the Colonel's House at Camp Casey. In attendance: Marvin and Olive Mardock (my grandparents), Uncle Les and Aunt Gail Steele, Cousin Chad and Ingrid Steele, Cousin Andrea Steele, Rob and Rachel Mardock (brother and sister-in-law), Bob and Carol Mardock (my parents!!), Hannah and Christina, Mitch, me!, Grant and Cole. Sounds like a lot of people, but it really didn't seem like a lot. Anyway, we had fun walking on the beach, watching dad fly a kite (or at least attach it to the stop sign while it flew itself!), exploring the battlements, eating ice cream and cinnamon rolls and watching cruise ships go out to see. I'll do some scrapbook pages soon and post them.

We came back from Whidbey Island Sunday night, and then Mitch and I left for Salishan Monday afternoon, leaving our children in my parents' capable hands. Mitch had a State Farm Agent Celebration to go to. Basically, it is a training and recognition time for State Farm Agents and their families. They pay for everything as a "thank you" for the agents' hard work. Salishan was beautiful and relaxing! Our room was very pretty and overlooked the golf course, the food was excellent, the entertainment was pretty good and the company (Mitch) was very enjoyable. I left the conference with a renewed feeling of pride in my husband. He is such an amazing, courageous man for taking a risk and starting a business . . . and being successful at it! He started with no customers and is building his book of business the old fashioned way. Very few new agents start the way he did. Most will admit that they don't have the guts to do what Mitch has done. It is scary not knowing if we will be paid for the hours and hours he puts in at the office. Yet, in the end, we know that it will all be worth it. I need to remember this on the long nights when I wait for him to come home from work. The man is working his butt off for our future. (sigh) I am so proud that I married such a remarkable man.

The next thing I have pictures of is Cole's cute little naked buns as he ran through our back yard and into our little blow-up pool. Had to take those naked pictures for future black-mail.

Last Friday, Mitch, Grant and Cole went to the Volcanoes baseball game with Grandpa and Grandma while I taught a scrapbooking group. I had a great time (as I always do when scrapbooking is involved), while the rest of the family enjoyed a Volcanoes victory and watched the fireworks show afterward.

On Sunday, after church, we went out on Grandpa's boat. I got some great pictures of the 3 older boy cousins pushing Grandpa into the freezing cold lake. Cole did not like his life jacket at all. I had a good time watching him stumble around the boat until I had pity on him and took the jacket off. Seriously cute stuff.

Yesterday, I took the boys berry picking and of course got the "berry-smeared-on-the-face" pictures. Cole was an excellent subject. I also got an amazing picture of Grant that I turned black and white and blew up to an 8x10 for my wall. I'll try to post it.

Well, you are caught up and I feel better. Whew!

more QM pics

Pinata attack!

Watching the festivities:

Jen and the boys:

Cole, Me, Jen and Braden (yeah, it's a bad pic!)

Quaker Meadow

We went to the 4th of July Family Camp at Quaker Meadow Christian Camp. Here are some pics!

This is some of my family. Basically, it is the Ratzlaffs, Lusks and Mardocks that still live with Dad and Mom (so, youngest brothers and sisters).



Grant and Hannah, my sister (Grant's aunt!) who made sure Grant was supervised and having fun! She took him out on the pedal boats and floating tricycle thing over and over!

Grant climbing the rock wall. He did pretty good!


Grant and his cousin Natalie (who is older than my two youngest sisters - her aunts!)

Pirate Cake and other birthday traditions

A while back I read Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge (author of Wild at Heart). In the book, they tell a story of a little girl who knew her parents loved her because of all of the little things they did for her. For example, every birthday, she would wake up to a bedroom filled with balloons. I liked this idea and decided to add it to our list of family traditions. For the past 3 years (birthdays 2,3 and 4), Grant has woken up to a bunch of balloons floating around his room. When he turned 3, I had the baby monitor on really loud so I could hear his reaction. I heard him gasp and say, "Thank you for the balloons mom!" He ran to my room to tell me all about it.

So, although we didn't do it on the 12th, we did continue the birthday tradition. Since our plan was to celebrate his birthday with the Ratzlaff side on Sunday, we decided to "balloon" him Sunday morning. He woke up to Red, Purple and Orange balloons (his current favorite colors) all over his room. He loved it and brought some to our room to wake us up. (He has since "surprised" me by sprinkling all of his balloons around my bedroom ceiling.)

Another birthday tradition we have is a special cake. For Grant's 2nd birthday, I made a car that ended up looking a lot like Bob Parr's car (Mr. Incredible). Grant loved it. For his 3rd, I made him a shark cake that was pretty pathetic, and yet Grant knew what it was right away. For his 4th birthday, I made him a pirate ship! It was by far the easiest cake so far. The hardest part was shopping for the candy to decorate the ship the night before. I put it together in about 15 minutes! Grant loved it and I was pretty impressed, too!

Cute

Today we went to Dallas City Park for the Mad Science thing that the Library put on. It was fun, funny and entertaining. And Grant loved it, too!

At one point, Dr. Yes asked who grants wishes. It was interesting to hear what the kids said: fairy godmother, magician, God . . . Grant kept asking, "Are they talking about me?" I didn't get it at first, but he turned to me again and asked the same question again. "Grant? Mom, are they talking about me?"

What a precious gift he is!!

4 years ago today

4 years ago, I sent this email to my female friends and family members! (Which means that if you are a man, brace yourself!!)

A week ago . . . (July 12)

My due date was August 8th. I've been having some preterm labor stuff, so the doctors had been telling us that Grant might come early. I started to count on that, but then we thought, "What if he comes late?" We didn't want to set ourselves up for disappointment, so when Mitch told me to pack the bag I just made a list. Why pack when we have 4 weeks left?

We went out to dinner with some friends on Friday night and I was having my very usual contractions and back pain. No big deal when you are used to living with the irritation and pain. We went home and went to bed. I didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary. At about 4:00am I couldn't sleep anymore since my back was hurting, so I went downstairs to try to sleep on the couch. Again, this is not unusual. At 6:15, I felt a little gush of liquid, so I jumped up off the couch (yeah, I really did!) and grabbed the blanket I was using to stop the flow. I was shaking when I yelled up the stairs, "Mitch, my water broke!" I don't know what he said after that, but I remember yelling it again and running to the downstairs bathroom. We had a pretty frantic hour and a half as I walked around the house with a kitchen towel stuffed between my legs (I saturated 3 before we left for the hospital) and CLEANED the house. After all, I wasn't about to bring my son home to a messy house! Mitch packed the bags (using my handy list!), cleaned the bathroom and generally picked up while I did the dishes and who knows what else. I can't remember much except that Mitch said, "WHAT are you DOING? Are you doing the dishes???"

We arrived at the hospital at about 8:30 and soon we were in our very nice birthing suite (St. Vincent's). We figured that this would go pretty fast because my mom was in labor with Jen for 3 hours and me for 45 minutes. Of course, Jen's labors were always long, so why I was listening to my mom, I don't know. (No disrespect Mom!)

Things were going a bit slow and I was staying at 3 cm for a VERY long time. I was having my contractions pretty inconsistently. Yeah girls, it hurts!! They were 3 minutes apart for a very long time, then they would go to 2 minutes, then 5 minutes, etc. They kept saying the P-word (Pitocin) and I was not having that. Finally, at about 5:00 they said that we really needed to go that route. I said that if they were going to give me the Pitocin then I was going to have an Epidural first. They started the fluids, then the Epidural. I was a bit of a basket-case just before the Epidural went in. I got a little scared and started to sob. Let's just blame it on the hormones and leave it at that. The Epidural didn't hurt when it went in, it just scared me. After that I was in heaven! They started the Pitocin as soon as I was numb and I went from 3 to 10 cm in no time at all.

Soon it was time to push! What was so wonderful about the whole experience was that I could feel the pressure of the baby's head coming down during contractions so I knew when it was time to push. I really wanted to be able to feel it. One of the nurses asked me if I wanted the mirror. I never thought I would, since I figured that would be gross, but I said "sure!" I am SO glad I did because it really helped me a lot and I got to see the whole thing. I knew that I was close to getting him out because I could see his head and when I was supposed to push 3 times to the count of ten, I knew that I could push one more time, so I just did it (after all, it didn't hurt). Hope that makes sense! Basically, I loved seeing the progress I was making. When the baby's head was really coming out they asked if I wanted to touch it. Again, you see these things on TV and I always thought it was pretty gross to touch the baby's head, but I did it anyway and it was amazing! Soon the baby was out and he was crying from the beginning! Before his shoulders even came out! Next thing I knew they were putting him on my tummy and cleaning him up. He reached out to touch my face and as soon as he was covered up he settled down and was the world's most adorable baby.



I had the most wonderful birth experience in the world. It was so great that I would even say that I would do it again tomorrow. I am healing very well. I feel pretty close to normal these days and I have been been losing 2 pounds each day! :o) My baby is perfect. He is absolutely gorgeous. Check out the attached pictures and you will agree! We have been having a very emotional week trying to breastfeed, but I think we have it all down now. Since Grant came at 36 weeks he is considered a preemie. I think this is pretty strange considering that he weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces when he was born. He is 19 3/4 in. long and he earned nines on his Apgar scores. No, my due date could not have been off since I was on the pill and stopped for one month then got pregnant. People keep saying that the doctors must have made a mistake, but I'm telling you that I know EXACTLY when my last period was! So, my big boy is a preemie which explains why he has troubling feeding (according to the doctors and nurses). He doesn't have a good sucker and his jaw gets very tired so it usually take about an hour and fifteen minutes to feed him. I think this will get better soon, though.

Mitch has been home with me all week but he goes back to work on Monday. I have been practicing doing things without his help so that I will have an easier transition when he is gone. Mitch has done so much work around here that I am wondering how I'm going to manage. Rob and his wife Rachel were the first of my family members (besides my grandparents who live in Newberg) to see Grant. They arrived on Wednesday and are here on vacation from their Peace Corp lives in Romania. They have really helped me to prepare for normal, daily life. My mom, dad and my three youngest sisters are arriving on Monday night to check out Grant Daniel. Jen and her newest (3 months), Livi, are arriving on Friday and everyone is heading back home on Sunday and Monday. I'm excited for my family to see our son!

So, that is my surprise! Grant Daniel Ratzlaff was born on Saturday, July 12. He weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces and is 19 3/4 inches long. He has brown hair (for now) and blond eyelashes (if you can call them eyelashes). He has a round little head and big hands and feet. Every time I look at him I am overjoyed. He is wonderful!